Ugh procrastination.  What the hell is that about? I remember being told years ago procrastination always has meaning.  While I didn’t totally disagree, my line of thinking went more along the lines of… yep, procrastination has meaning, it means I can’t get my shit together enough to do whatever it is I’m wanting to do.

Does it mean I’m lazy? Does whatever I’m procrastinating about not mean enough to me? Or if I dig a little deeper, is it about fear? Fear of not being good enough (on so many levels from every angle you can think of and then some), fear of failure, fear of how I will be perceived (and why does that even matter in the first place?), fear of feeling like a total dick and do they all link in somehow with occasional wobbly self-worth?

Procrastination is known to be a trauma response.  I wasn’t sure whether to take this post in that direction but given there is so much info out there around the links between procrastination and trauma, I figured I needed to at least acknowledge it. In doing so, there is opportunity to take the conversation a little deeper rather than keeping it a light-hearted take on the subject.

Many behaviours or habits seem to relate to trauma. As I’ve grown older and a little wiser (is this part of crone wisdom?), it has become clearer to me that we all carry trauma with us of some description.  I’m pretty sure it comes hand in hand with being alive and being human.  As in, we all experience the ups and downs of life.  We all experience traumatic events throughout our lifetime, with grief and loss being key among them. 

Then there are the events that hold deep trauma due to the nature of the experience.  For example, life threatening events that come from natural disasters, acts of violence be they physical/sexual/psychological, or severe illnesses and major accidents to name but a few.  Most of these likely still fit under the umbrella of grief and loss to a degree, given they relate to an incredibly broad spectrum of experiences because whatever has happened to cause that trauma has brought loss, in the sense that life as we’ve known it up until that point, has changed dramatically.

We all have our trigger points, and we all react or respond in different ways, with many things influencing the way in which we respond.  Our life experience feeds into the way we respond, the good, bad and the ugly, whether it be in our home or private life, our work life or our social life. Like many other people on this planet, I’ve experienced events that more than likely feed into my own habit (for want of a better word) of procrastination.

I don’t necessarily want to drill right down into the guts and gore of those possibilities, rather try to explore gently without poking the bear too harshly and take a lighter approach if possible.

I have a goal and it’s one I’ve had for approx. 5 years.  I’ve put a lot of time and hard work into this goal and it’s now at a point where it needs a concerted effort to tidy it up and finish it off properly.  It’s here, where I embarrassingly admit it has been at this point for well over a year! 

While I’ve made some progress on it, I can’t say it has been a dedicated daily effort and as much as I try to factor time in to work on this goal, the more I find myself baulking at it. I open it up, have a look, review where I’m up to, think about it, look at what I need to do from here, ask if I need to change something or explore something a little further, and then after all of that, I find myself doing other things instead of working on it. 

And all the while that little inside voice in my head is saying, get your head out of your a** and just f***ing do it! You got it, this is procrastination at its finest.  In all its imperfect glory and I’m an expert at it.

Yet here’s the rub. I have achieved other big goals where I’ve methodically set small, achievable goals, then systematically worked towards those goals on a regular, mostly daily, basis. Occasionally missing a day but working hard to ensure I don’t miss more than one or two days in a row because that’s a tipping point for me and then I find it excruciatingly difficult to get back to. 

I know all this, I know I need structure, I know I need the practice of doing a little every day, so why do I find it so damn hard to wrap up this particular goal?  There is no reason to think I’m not capable of doing it, nothing to suggest it is beyond me, it just needs some solid, dedicated time spent on it.  After all, the guts of it has already been completed, it’s just the finishing part that needs to happen. 

Is it time for me to consider or work on a reward system, like we do with kids? Do I commit to 10-15 minutes each day and at the end of the week, there is some type of pay off or reward? Do I use the equivalent of a star chart so it’s something big and visual, placed where I can see it every day? Do I set an alarm? Use some type of habit tracker, kind of like the star chart but a little different?  Or are they all just another way to procrastinate?

There is more than one project I’m procrastinating on, but the one being referred to in this post is the biggest and ironically, the one closest to being finished. The one that will make me feel like I’ve really accomplished something and completed a goal important to me. So near, yet so far.

The other two are both goals I am very keen to achieve but the question begs to be asked, am I using those two as an excuse or a barrier to finishing the one I’ve been working on the longest? 

I’m wondering if part of the problem also relates to vulnerability.  Is it about allowing myself to be vulnerable, to feel and embrace my vulnerability, rather than be afraid of it. By being more relaxed and accepting of my vulnerability, it would likely allow me to share from a heart level and be authentically me.

With that in mind, it seems it is way past time to stop giving airtime or energy to the excuses that keep coming up.  It is time to stop thinking about it or worrying about my procrastination and just freaking do it already. Be myself, do it my way and let it all unfold in its own authentic way.

Be the crone.  Own not only the wisdom that comes with age and life experience, but also the vulnerability that comes with being real, even if it’s not always comfortable.  And most of all, be kind, not only to others but also to me.  I don’t mean to use being kind as an excuse for not doing things or not watching how I behave or speak but have an awareness of where I’m at right now and what might be going on for those around me.

So, my next step is to return to habit stacking, something I’ve used successfully before, and reward bundling. Also a tactic I’ve used before without the label. Habit stacking for me is aligning a manageable daily task in relation to my goal, with another daily habit.

For example, when I started walking first thing every morning a couple of years ago, I combined a couple of things. One was preparing the night before, then using the 5 second rule and habit stacking. What does that look like? Well, I get my walking gear ready the night before and leave it where I see it first thing in the morning, then I’d make sure I had a podcast or audio book lined up ready to listen to.

If I was tired or struggling to get up when my alarm went off, I used the 5 second rule. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 and up you get! I’d go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, put on my walking gear and generally be out the door within 10 minutes regardless of whether it was daylight or dark, summer or winter (including icy/snowy days) although I admit to baulking if it was heavy rain. Light rain and I still went. I always felt better afterwards, even on the days I didn’t feel like going.

Reward bundling is a fancy term for what I did on my weekends. Rather than not walking and having a day or two off, I would still walk but tie it in with a reward. The walking would happen first thing as always, but I would often go somewhere else to walk and aim for a longer walk. The payoff was usually the scenery and sometimes a hot chocolate afterwards.

In winter, I’d often want to go snowshoeing and I used to think that could be my walk instead, but I found it helped to still go out early on my usual walk even if I didn’t go quite as far, then my reward was heading up to the ski field (one of my favourite places, the views are magic) to go snowshoeing.

So, I’m thinking it’s time to employ those little tips and tricks again to this situation. An accountability partner might be just what I need too, so I will follow up that possibility and maybe this blog can be part of an accountability process too. A place where the inner crone is unleashed to do her thing, without letting age and self-doubt be a barrier. 

Ah, let the pondering ease so the progressive movement has room to begin. I will keep you posted.

Onwards my friends, onwards!

PS. Is this something you’ve battled with too? Did anything specific give you a nudge? If so, what was it that worked for you. Please drop me a line and let me know.