A Conversation from the heart –

I don’t know about you, but I feel more and more unsettled with how our world is experiencing higher levels of unrest, agitation, distress.  I feel a growing sense of horror at the level of cruelty on display, not to mention the lack of basic humanity towards our fellow human beings in so many different ways and find it hard to understand how people can say and do such awful things to one another. 

There seems to be increasing negativity surrounding us and it can make it all too easy to fall into a cesspool of despair and despondency.  And that’s without adding natural disasters or pandemics to the mix!  I’m not saying we need to turn a blind eye, pretend it isn’t happening or ignore what is going on, but surely it is worth trying to find some balance somewhere before it swallows us whole. 

As an empath, this stuff has the capacity to get to me on a really deep level and it can take a huge effort to not let it consume me.  When I say that, I don’t mean to sound as though I’m a lightweight, privileged or can’t handle the bad things happening in the world, our country and our communities, whether they be on a daily basis or less frequent. 

I think many of us feel a little (or a lot) traumatised by what we constantly see or hear through the media and/or social media.  It’s kind of like a cycle of rinse, repeat, day in and day out, hour in and hour out, especially if you find it hard to stay away from the news channels or social media.

What bothers me is the flip side of it all, where people have become somewhat desensitised to human suffering and vulnerability.  Maybe it is due in part to the constant barrage of negativity coming at us from all directions. I’m sure many of us feel there are times when it is all a bit much.   

And that’s before we seriously get to talking about the level of violence, bullying and abusive behaviour that most of us have experienced in some shape or form during our lives. It’s worrying that it can be so close to home, in our own backyard so to speak, or our communities, and we know it’s rife in the online world.  

So many of our children are exposed from a very young age to inappropriate behaviour, negative messaging, nastiness in general, and violence in what they watch or see in real life and on devices, whether it be television shows, movies, video games or engaging on social media.  The constant exposure seems to numb the reality of what this can mean in real life and undermines the significant impacts experienced by those who are the targets of poor behaviours and unkind or damaging words.

I can’t help but wonder how and why this became accepted as part of ‘normal’ in our world today. Could we not see the links between that and how it contributes to the deterioration of good (for want of a better word) attitudes and the increase in anti-social behaviour occurring over time?

Surely, at some level this exposure prevents or at the very least, hinders children and young people from learning about compassion, empathy and understanding for others.  It’s disheartening and somewhat alarming to observe the sense of entitlement, along with the lack of respect, responsibility and resilience.

We don’t have to look too far to see there is plenty of evidence outlining the detrimental impacts, not only to our children and young people, but across all age groups.  Concerning impacts, such as sleep deprivation, mental health issues and rising suicide rates have all increased at alarming rates since the introduction of smart phones where accessibility to online news/forums/social media is made so much easier. Plus it is available and accessible around the clock. 

I’m not saying there is no good in the world because there is definitely plenty if we take the time to look for it, but there are days when it can seem harder to find. They are usually the days when we need reassurance the most, that life is not all bad. 

To my way of thinking, it’s about finding or creating a little balance in the mix. To take the time to look after and nurture ourselves, and actively seek out the things that bring us joy, as best we can in the midst of it all.

So, how do we do that?  How do we find a way to keep our shit together, stay functional amid the dysfunction, still be kind, not only to ourselves but to others in a world that feels as though it is becoming more and more unkind, and find time for joy?

I believe it is vital for our wellbeing to learn skills that help us to navigate the times when life seems a bit wobbly, not only for ourselves, but also our children and young people.  After all, they learn directly from us, and they learn from what they see, hear and experience. 

I don’t know that we can completely protect them from some of the tough lessons life dishes out, nor do I think it would be healthy or helpful if we were to completely put them in a protective bubble because it denies them the opportunity to learn about resilience and what to do when things are tough, but again, it’s about finding a balance that works for us. 

By finding what helps us and sharing it when appropriate with our young ones, we keep the lines of communication open, and we can encourage them to find and hone their own healthy coping mechanisms. In doing so, we are hopefully growing kind, respectful, curious, compassionate, resilient human beings.

So, onto some practical suggestions.  For me, there are steps I need to take on a regular, if not daily, basis to ensure it doesn’t all become overwhelming and/or unmanageable and I can remain a reasonable, (hopefully) well adjusted, compassionate, effective human being.

An important part is remembering to take notice of the things that make me feel a little flat, world weary and disheartened and put things in place to counteract them. 

Seven things that help me cope and feel a little more balanced are:

One – I don’t watch television and haven’t done for years.  I can keep up just fine by reading the headlines online to get an overview of what is going on, and by being selective in what and when I open up an article to read more.  I find there is usually more than enough in the headline and the first few lines you can see of the story, to tell you what it’s about if you can get past any of the sensationalism that often goes with it.

By being selective in what I read beyond the headline, it allows me to feel a little more in control and less like it’s all being shoved down my throat.  If there were any semblance of balance in reporting, where there was less of the sensationalist or drama building reporting with as much focus on good news stories as there is on the bad/disturbing/negative news, then I would likely look at it differently.

Two – disconnecting from social media. Over the past year, I‘ve been having regular social media breaks that last anything from a few days to a few weeks or more, and I’m actually toying with the idea of having an extended social media break. 

I don’t know what it is about being behind a keyboard that makes people think it’s okay to turn on the nasty tap full slather.  I wonder how they would feel if the same level of vitriol was directed at them?  Did they not learn about treating others as you would like to be treated? It’s like being behind a keyboard is an invitation to leave respect for others behind and absolves them of taking any responsibility for their words and actions.

Having a social media break gives you an opportunity to take a breather, to untangle yourself from all that hooks you in and allows you time to re-engage with life in a simpler and less reactive way.

Three – Getting out in nature as often as I can is some of the best medicine around.  Fresh air and a little exercise, even light exercise like a brief stroll, can make a massive difference to my day. I start my day with a walk and on rare (I need to sort the rare part out) occasions when I remember, some stretching.  I try to do this regardless of weather, but I admit to wimping out a little more this year in wet weather than I’ve done previously.

On the weekends, I try to mix it up a little and do things differently.  Go somewhere else to walk, walk along the river or a different part of the lake, take a drive up into the mountains and go for a walk/hike there or go snow shoeing in the winter.  I often have my camera with me, so sometimes it becomes about taking photos of particular things and the walking to get where I want to get the shots I’m after.

I realise that the getting out in nature suggestion might also depend on where you are, whether it is safe to do so and if not, what else you can do to get some fresh air and early morning light or sunshine in your day.

Four – Trying to eat decent, reasonably healthy food with some kind of fresh veggies every day.  I also try not to eat too late in the day but this doesn’t always work if I’m working a late shift, so it’s about trying to plan ahead a little and minimising the opportunity for resorting to less nutritious food.

For me that also includes not drinking any caffeine later in the day and aiming to drink plenty of water throughout the day.  I’m not a coffee drinker, (absolutely love the smell but not the taste) and over the last year or two, I’ve taken to drinking one cup of tea a day, usually if I’m around other people having a cuppa.  If I’m on my own, I rarely think of it. 

I’m also much more likely to have a cup of tea in winter, rather than the warmer months.  The warmer months, I prefer a fruit tea as it is great hot or cold which works really well for me, because I have a tendency to forget the tea is there and more times than not, my tea goes cold well before it’s finished.

I’ve noticed that when I make an effort to eat well and drink enough water, I’m less likely to get grumpy and can cope with or tolerate the rough days that crop up from time to time, more easily.

Five – Going to bed earlier when I’m feeling tired or world weary.  Reading an actual book helps before turning out the bedside lamp too, rather than reading ebooks on my phone.  Admittedly, I sometimes have to work hard at this one because reading from the kindle app on my phone is all too easy, but the hitch there is sometimes I can get distracted and think, oh, I’ll just listen to some music for a while or check whether there are any funny cat videos. 

I try to be as organised as I can be for the next day before I go to bed. Having a regular bedtime and wake time helps immensely, as my body seems to get into more of a rhythm. I have found that routine makes a difference and when it’s all working well, I rarely need an alarm clock to get my day started.

Six – Time with my people, my family, my friends or community.  Time face to face (where possible) with people I care about and who care about me.  My family all live in a different country and I’ve been fortunate enough to have been ‘adopted’ by some close friends, who have become my Kiwi Family. 

What I’m getting at, is being able to make time to spend a little time together with people you like to be around, people you can talk with and laugh with.  People who make you feel good.  If you don’t have family or close friends nearby, sometimes it might mean reaching out to them via phone or video call. 

If you don’t have family or friends you can see or video call with, perhaps you are involved or might be interested in getting involved, in some community activities that brings you in touch with people.

Being with people you care about, share interests with, can talk with or have a laugh with, can make a massive difference to our day to day and our ability to cope during tough times.

Seven – Making time daily for reflection.  You might do this by journalling, sometimes it can help to write things down because it can feel more tangible, or the act of taking the time to write it down or journaling about it, is reflection time in itself.

There are three questions I like to consider every morning as I’m starting my day.  It’s a habit I’ve incorporated about a year or so ago after listening to a Brene Brown podcast where she was speaking with Karen Walrond on Accessing Joy and Finding Connection in the Midst of Struggle.  During the podcast, Karen explained her daily practice of reflection and I have found it really valuable.  The questions are –

What do I need to do today to feel connected?

What do I need to do today to feel healthy?

What do I need to do today to feel purposeful?

For me, connected is around who I want to spend time with, talk with, write to, or it could be about what I need to do to feel grounded or connected to self again.  If life has been a little hectic and I’m needing to feel grounded again, then that for me is usually time in nature.  Time to walk where it is quieter with fewer people about, where there are trees, fresh air and maybe some water from a stream, lake or the ocean.  Somewhere that I can get my feet on the grass or in the water and there are no (or very few) sounds of cars/phones/ city or town noise, where I can hear the birds and inhale fresh air.

Feeling healthy can be about how much water I want to drink that day, whether I feel the need for more veggies or fruit, do I need a longer walk, am I feeling a little stiff and need to do some stretching, do I need to quieten my mind with meditation or do I simply need more sleep or rest.

There are a couple of brief meditation practices I like that are quick and easy to do.  One is called block breathing and it’s just doing a few cycles of breathing in to the count of 4, holding the breath to the count of 4 and then breathing out to the count of 4.  So, thinking to yourself as you go: breathe in – 2, 3, 4; hold 2, 3, 4; and breathe out – 2, 3, 4.

The other one is to sit comfortably, close your eyes and take a few moments to think about 5 things you can hear; then a few moments to think about 4 things you can feel – for example, the cool air as you breathe in, the warm air as you breathe out, the surface you’re sitting on, whether you can feel the warmth of the sun or a gentle breeze; next, what are 3 things you can smell; take a moment to notice if you can taste anything and if so, what are 2 things you can taste?  It might be water, tea, toothpaste, whatever you ate or drank last.  Then you are ready, open your eyes and have a look around to see what brings a smile to your face or makes you feel good/better/okay/comfortable.

Feeling purposeful is about having some purpose in your day.  It might be exploring something you want to know more about; you might decide to donate to a cause so you do a little research to find out if the cause is one that has meaning for you and then you might make a donation or see about volunteering; it could be you’ve heard a particular phrase that doesn’t make sense to you and you decide to find out what it means; or perhaps you don’t sleep well and you want to find out if there is anything else you can try that might help. 

What I’m getting at is you are actively doing something with intention and purpose.  It doesn’t have to be a big thing, that could become exhausting if you were looking for something big everyday but something that interests you and you intentionally act on it.

Lastly, at the end of the day, take a moment to think about your day and what was good about today.  Some days this will be easier than others.  There will be days when we might feel like we could fill a page if we were to write about what was good that day.  But there might also be days when you feel there is nothing good about the day.  On those days, we have to dig a little deeper to find that little nugget of good. 

Maybe you really enjoyed your shower this morning, the kids were still asleep and you got 5 minutes to yourself to just be; someone smiled at you as you were walking to work; it’s spring and the flowers are coming out; you noticed the birds cheeping this morning; the sunset was pretty; or if you’re really struggling to find something, maybe you’ve resorted to looking for some funny cat videos to put a smile in your day.

Again, it doesn’t have to be something big, it can be seemingly tiny but it’s about being able to notice and appreciate there are good things or happy moments to be found around us. Actively seeking out the joy, even when life can feel overwhelming.

I hope some of these suggestions resonate with you too, as I can vouch for them making a difference in my outlook on life.  I’d love to hear your thoughts, tips and suggestions on this topic if you want to share.  If you’ve made it to the end, thank you for taking the time to have a read. 

Until next time, be kind to others because we don’t always know what is going on for them. The most difficult are often the ones who need the most kindness.  Be curious. Look out for the good moments in every day, regardless of how small they may be. And don’t forget to be kind to you.